Kerry Victory Speech

Good morning. I am proud to announce that I am the new leader of the Democratic Union of West and East Coasts (DUWEC). Late last night, it became clear that our nation is divided. On one side, the progressive and liberal secular values that made America, on the other, a radical expansionist, fundamentalist, faith-based project (Christian Reactionist American Patriots). This division is tearing our nation apart, and it has become clear that the differences are insurmountable.

Over the next year, my campaign will transform itself into a new government in resistance. We recognize the desire of the other half of America to have a government that enforces cultural and moral purity, values faith over learning, sees society as the survival of the fittest, and speaks loudly while using a big stick. The people of those states have spoken. Yet, this morning, it is clear to see that the Northeast and West Coast of America see the role of government differently.

89% of states in DUWEC rank over the national average for knowledge workers, 79% rank over the national average on innovation capacity, 75% rank over the national average on measures of globalization of their economies, and 84% rank above the national average in terms of their digital economies. Given these numbers, it’s no surprise that the average income is 22% higher in DUWEC states than in CRAP states. The average state in the DUWEC has 104 post-secondary institutions, while in CRAP, the average state has 68. Not surprisingly, then, the percentage of people with bachelors degrees is far higher in DUWEC states.

We also have a difference of opinion over social matters. We think that women should have the right to choose whether or not to have an abortion, in consultation with their own conscience and their god (when applicable). We think that churches and other organizations that choose to marry gays and lesbians should be given that right. We think that education should receive more funding, and the military should receive less. We think that justice is more important than safety, and that freedom is more important than government control.

That’s not to say that DUWEC is somehow better than the fly-over territory of CRAP. Not at all. We find them quaint, even when they mess up this whole project of democracy. We pray (in a non-officially-religious way) that they won’t invade us. (If they do, they should note that while they may produce the largest number of infantry enlistments, we have the larger number of defense contractors, and we are likely to have the support of the world if you invade us.) Their ongoing march toward fascism will be an entertaining spectacle. But we shouldn’t mistake this affection for coterminous trajectories. We are two nations, united, and not one nation, divided.

Some will see this secession as unpatriotic, but most will recognize it as an inevitable and necessary step toward democracy. With my first term in office, I end a century of American Empire, but I usher in a new Americas Renaissance. A period in which democracy can thrive. As a result, I will ensure that no president may serve more than a single term, that the president is elected by direct vote, and the senate will be replaced by a proportionately elected group, based on national party elections, and providing an opportunity for the Republican and other parties to be represented at the national level.

The next year will be a turbulent period, but I remain convinced that this course of action is far better for both Americas than had I conceded defeat to the incumbent president. By cutting the nation in two, we end up with two presidents, each with nearly 100% support (of the electoral college, at least). While there will be traditionalists who would prefer to see the union remain unified, I trust that the spirit of innovation and progress will drive both Americas to new, and separate vistas. As President of DUWEC, I pledge that we will provide whatever aid CRAP requires to bring them in line with the rest of the civilized world.

I thank you all for your support during this troubling time, and God Bless the Democratic Union of West and East Coasts.

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12 Comments

  1. Posted 11/3/2004 at 12:38 pm | Permalink

    Can I join?

    • Posted 1/9/2012 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      Thanks for inrtduoicng a little rationality into this debate.

  2. Posted 11/3/2004 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    Alex,
    I loved this piece… Only thinking – will choice for one of abbreviations help to achieve anything positive? I guess you want one country at the end, am I wrong?

  3. Posted 11/3/2004 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

    The “civilized world” is with you … and should recognize a lot of nations around that are two, united, and not one, divided.

  4. Posted 11/3/2004 at 2:56 pm | Permalink

    Well, there have been quite a few countries that have split over the last decade or two. The bombs aren’t great, nor the hatred, but…?

  5. Posted 11/3/2004 at 4:50 pm | Permalink

    Great post – loved the stats.

  6. Posted 11/3/2004 at 10:18 pm | Permalink

    Cheers, Alex. I needed a smile today.

  7. James Farmer
    Posted 11/4/2004 at 5:11 am | Permalink

    Beautiful, can you include Australian suburbs?

  8. swampthing
    Posted 11/4/2004 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    Hopefully the DHS doesn’t show up at your doorstep for satirically suggesting a “resistance.” It’s a testament to this administration that we even have to worry about that. “Humor is irrelevant…resistance is futile…”

  9. Chris
    Posted 11/5/2004 at 10:32 am | Permalink

    This piece is obviously pitched in the tone of satire and polemical overstatement, but its basic idea is one that I take VERY, VERY SERIOUSLY. Interestingly enough, when I was surfing the net for other entries on “secession, northeast, west coast,” most of the hits I turned up were written by citizens of the “CRAP” states who feel just as frustrated as DUWECers by the USA’s increasingly untenable forced coexistence. Does anyone know of a forum in which serious proposals for an amicable divorce of the USA is being discussed?

  10. Posted 11/5/2004 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    Chris: Thank you for noting the deliberate overstatement. If the divide between the red and blue states was as extreme as I paint it here, I think you might really have a case for two Americas. The difficulty is that the two Americas really are not that geographically divided. The cultural difference seems much more to be an urban/rural split — though even that is complex, with islands of red (which to my mind means more than simply “Republican”) in the cities and blue in some rural areas.

    I would be very interested to see a breakdown of the change in urban/rural voting in the last election. I would suspect that large increases in voter turnout occurred in areas where there was significantly less population density.

    Oh, and in answer to your question, the only place I’ve seen a serious discussion regarding splitting the country is in White Nationalist / Christian Nationalist websites (which I’ve seen a lot of in some of my research work). And, of course, there is a good deal of secession talk (though it’s largely sub rosa) among Libertarians — but I don’t think this is what you mean.

    I think probably those liberals in DUWEC states (a) don’t realize how extreme the difference is, (b) adhere to some of the paternalism that is found in this post that suggests that if there is more equitable distribution of resources and broader education, these differences will largely disappear.

  11. Posted 11/8/2004 at 2:50 am | Permalink

    After the election I felt very sad. Not only because Bush was re-elected. I was sad because suddenly many people jump out claiming their victory (about values). Some even believe that the reason of 911 is
    that there are too many abortions in United States, so that God punish
    United States by 911!! I felt very sad that these kinds of messages suddenly
    pop up around me after the election……..(sigh)

8 Trackbacks

  1. […] heart weeps for the state of the world in the time of the bush jr. regime. it will be our downfall, our own trojan horse… back ache… i work out regularly, but have been sooooo […]

  2. By Mathemagenic on 11/3/2004 at 12:38 pm

    US elections
    I woke up still hoping for the best only to find out maps of US in red everywhere.

  3. By Read/Write Web on 11/3/2004 at 3:37 pm

    US Elections – Global Mind
    I don’t usually talk politics, but FWIW here are some thoughts on the election from a non-US citizen…

  4. By Dubbings and Diversions on 11/3/2004 at 8:19 pm

    John Kerry Victory Speech
    Looking at the poll watcher on myDD it struck me how obvious the divide is in the US. It also struck me that the blue (DEM) states tended to be those (i) that I know the most about; (ii) I

  5. By Blog.org on 11/4/2004 at 5:31 am

    Is the US really a nation polarised?
    The US is not divided between warring red and blue states – it’s just the idiotic electoral college and its all or nothing state-based counting mechanism that makes it feel that way.

  6. By DaveShearon on 11/5/2004 at 12:56 am

    Another Example of the Moral Component of Liberal/Conservative
    I’m not going to keep adding these examples to Liberal/Conservative #2, but Alex Halavais does a great rendition of the elitist superiority routine for liberals and equates faith with fascisim. (At least he didn’t actually compare President Bush to H…

  7. By Mathemagenic on 11/5/2004 at 6:05 am

    Misleading vusialisations, binary thinking and research
    Just an example how selecting units and color-coding for visualisation can amplify one or another perspective: is the US really a nation polarised as much as it seems ? Compare US election results: Red/blue by state vs.

  8. By Bad Scene on 11/10/2004 at 6:04 am

    tasty divisiveness
    From my perch here in Germany I can see a frighteningly large number of people fulminating, ranting, insulting people who voted for a different candidate than they did, and in general behaving like a bunch of high school kids after…

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