Good morning. I am proud to announce that I am the new leader of the Democratic Union of West and East Coasts (DUWEC). Late last night, it became clear that our nation is divided. On one side, the progressive and liberal secular values that made America, on the other, a radical expansionist, fundamentalist, faith-based project (Christian Reactionist American Patriots). This division is tearing our nation apart, and it has become clear that the differences are insurmountable.
Over the next year, my campaign will transform itself into a new government in resistance. We recognize the desire of the other half of America to have a government that enforces cultural and moral purity, values faith over learning, sees society as the survival of the fittest, and speaks loudly while using a big stick. The people of those states have spoken. Yet, this morning, it is clear to see that the Northeast and West Coast of America see the role of government differently.
89% of states in DUWEC rank over the national average for knowledge workers, 79% rank over the national average on innovation capacity, 75% rank over the national average on measures of globalization of their economies, and 84% rank above the national average in terms of their digital economies. Given these numbers, it’s no surprise that the average income is 22% higher in DUWEC states than in CRAP states. The average state in the DUWEC has 104 post-secondary institutions, while in CRAP, the average state has 68. Not surprisingly, then, the percentage of people with bachelors degrees is far higher in DUWEC states.
We also have a difference of opinion over social matters. We think that women should have the right to choose whether or not to have an abortion, in consultation with their own conscience and their god (when applicable). We think that churches and other organizations that choose to marry gays and lesbians should be given that right. We think that education should receive more funding, and the military should receive less. We think that justice is more important than safety, and that freedom is more important than government control.
That’s not to say that DUWEC is somehow better than the fly-over territory of CRAP. Not at all. We find them quaint, even when they mess up this whole project of democracy. We pray (in a non-officially-religious way) that they won’t invade us. (If they do, they should note that while they may produce the largest number of infantry enlistments, we have the larger number of defense contractors, and we are likely to have the support of the world if you invade us.) Their ongoing march toward fascism will be an entertaining spectacle. But we shouldn’t mistake this affection for coterminous trajectories. We are two nations, united, and not one nation, divided.
Some will see this secession as unpatriotic, but most will recognize it as an inevitable and necessary step toward democracy. With my first term in office, I end a century of American Empire, but I usher in a new Americas Renaissance. A period in which democracy can thrive. As a result, I will ensure that no president may serve more than a single term, that the president is elected by direct vote, and the senate will be replaced by a proportionately elected group, based on national party elections, and providing an opportunity for the Republican and other parties to be represented at the national level.
The next year will be a turbulent period, but I remain convinced that this course of action is far better for both Americas than had I conceded defeat to the incumbent president. By cutting the nation in two, we end up with two presidents, each with nearly 100% support (of the electoral college, at least). While there will be traditionalists who would prefer to see the union remain unified, I trust that the spirit of innovation and progress will drive both Americas to new, and separate vistas. As President of DUWEC, I pledge that we will provide whatever aid CRAP requires to bring them in line with the rest of the civilized world.
I thank you all for your support during this troubling time, and God Bless the Democratic Union of West and East Coasts.