a thaumaturgical compendium

There are a few magazines that are iconic enough that we would all probably want to be interviewed for them. Rolling Stone comes to mind. My little sister Megan recently was interviewed by the online version of another: Surfer. Here’s a section:

SURFERMag.com: In one of your interviews you said you were hitting the shark and were afraid to hurt it.

MEGAN: Everyone got the idea that I was pounding on it. I definitely wasn’t. I wasn’t really thinking about not hurting it, just getting away from its mouth. It didn’t really occur to me that anything I could do would hurt it. It felt so much stronger and powerful than me – obviously, because it was.

SURFERMag.com: Good thing you didn’t damage that shark, young lady. Carcharadon carcharias are a Federally protected species. Want to go to jail for shark endangerment?

MEGAN: I wasn’t punching it, I was pushing on it. I don’t really know what I was trying to achieve, but I just remember looking at my hands and they were shoulder-width apart. I was pressing on it with my elbows locked straight.

SURFERMag.com: Think the shark knew you were there?

MEGAN: I think it felt me on its back because it started to thrash more. Johnny explained it as: “It looked like it was starting to frenzy.” Like it got freaked out a bit.

SURFERMag.com: Were you freaked out a bit?

MEGAN: I remember feeling extremely calm, considering the position I was in. I just went into survival mode. I didn’t think about what I was doing, my body just did it.

• The Art of Demotivation (via Pang)

• What America really needs is wild elephants.

• Speaking of big animals. They upgraded the size of the shark that attacked my little sister: 18 feet, and about two tons. Or, roughly the size of a Chevy Suburban.

• Extreme Mormons: “How can you spread the Lord’s word when you are standing on the darn handlebars?”

• Never too early to learn the need for the long view.

• Progressive, the nation’s 3rd largest auto insurer, is paying beta customers who put a black box in their cars. Nose of the camel. I can’t say that I like that my insurance premiums cover irresponsible drivers, but I also don’t imagine (given the appropriate vehicle) ever driving across the Mohave at less than a hundred miles an hour. And once the ability to monitor is in place, it is only a matter of time before police enforcement is provided access to that data.
  
  Now, what would be cool is if it calculated your premium in real time. You’d have your speedo, tach, and current minute-by-minute insurance rate. Take a corner a little quick, and your rate jumps up. Drive the speed limit on long freeway trips once a week only, and your rate gradually falls. Pay-as-you-go risk management.

• Electronics and solid object printers are, like, so five minutes ago. How about printing new organs. Sure, that scene in 5th Element seemed fanciful, but maybe not so much.

• Are you against the war? Do you think that the yellow ribbons send the wrong message? Do you not care too much about whether your car gets keyed by someone who “doesn’t take kindly” to folks who don’t support the government? Try the Question War magnet.

• You know what’s fun on a Friday night? Remote controlling decapitated fruit flies using lasers. Seriously.

• Please don’t leave any comments reviewing this post, as it may be considered patent infringement.

If there is a silver lining to my little sister being nearly eaten by a large omnivorous beast, it is that I got to see her here in New York for the day. She’s due to be on Good Morning America tomorrow morning. I have had interactions with television news producers before, of varying reputation, but I guess I was unprepared for the frenzy of producers who want Megan to appear.

On one hand, I completely understand that this is a compelling story, though I also realize many do not see it as “real news.” While most people injured mortally at this age will still die behind the wheel of an automobile (less likely for Megan, since her old Volvo just gave up the ghost), there is a primal fear of being eaten, and perhaps an opportunity for people to vicariously feel the thrill of survival through Megan’s story.

We had brunch at Nice Matin and discussed her coming career as a motivational speaker. Her speech would be simple “Hi, I got bit by a shark and survived. Be inspired.” We then headed over to the American Museum of Natural History and made fun of the puny size of their Great White.

Meanwhile, the press, who had already been a bit frenzied during her hospitalization, seem to have gone berserk in the intervening days. Every Halavais with a phone listing (not many) are getting repeated calls from producers asking when Megan can come on. Some are expected (Montel, Current Affair) but the really tenacious ones are the daytime and morning network shows (no names mentioned, to protect the guilty). Some are seeking exclusives, but all want to have her first. And they seem perfectly willing to win over (or badger) her family members to apply pressure. Meanwhile, Megan is trying to navigate these shark-infested waters, and trying at the same time to deal with recovering from a pretty serious injury.

With personal legal insurance increasingly common, I think we need personal PR insurance for when we each get hit with our 15 minutes of fame. Rather than fielding dozens of calls from the media, the PR firm would step in, negotiate appearances, and make sure that fleeting fame landed Megan something more lasting than a trip to New York: say a replacement for the dead Volvo, or her own “Shark Bite” clothing line. Yes, I’m kidding (only serious)—I’d be happy enough if they could act as a minor barrier to ensure that she was treated with more respect than a piece of ratings meat. But hey, that’s just me.

Update: The interview can be found here (Under the Good Morning America tab).

Odd that it takes a shark attack to get a decent family photo. Here are Megan, Mom, and Arthur (my brother) in one place at one time. (Photograph is by Krista Kennell, and appeared on AOL News.)

I may need a “sharks” category for the blog at some point. Just talked to my sister Megan. She sounded in good spirits and surrounded by friends. She has a hard road of recovery ahead of her—the @$*&%$ fish apparently severed her quadriceps and calf muscles. But if there was a single word I would use to describe my sister, ever since she was little, it would be “resilient.” She is one tough, kick-ass woman, and I have no doubt that she will come through this better than fine. I’m also damned proud of how she handled herself out on the water, but I have always been damned proud of my siblings. Of course, Megan is out ahead in terms of—as Jia put it in earlier comments—legend-making among the Halavais at this point. I was trying to think of a way to get more hardcore than fighting off a Great White. Megan suggested I could arrange to be attacked by a pack of pit bulls. That might do it, but perhaps my most “extreme” days are behind me.

Update: There is a link here to a news conference with Megan and our mom, Mary.

As an aside, it’s amazing how many of these stories get the name wrong. The one linked in the update spells the name right once and wrong once. This one is my favorite, though, since it not only gets the name wrong, it gives a pronunciation guide—also wrong. “Real journalists” get the news wrong all the time, but you would think they would at least check the name.

Personal post. I just heard that my little sister, Megan, was attacked by a 14- to 18-foot shark while surfing earlier today.

I’ve talked to my family there, and they say that she is doing surprisingly well. The shark grabbed her and dragged her under, but she fought him off and got back to the surface. She was airlifted to a local hospital where they performed emergency surgery.

She has a number of deep puncture wounds to her leg (to the bone), and some of the muscle was taken, but a major artery was missed, and she is out of the first surgery. They are going to give her time to stabilize, and perhaps go back in surgically to make sure that everything is neatly patched up. She should be back to surfing in a few months, if she manages to take it easy and let things heal up. And to think, Mom was worried about body piercing before!

Update: Here’s a press conference video with her doctor, boyfriend, and fellow surfer. The doctors played the Beach Boys while they operated on her.