A Dire Warning

People of the world,

It gives me no joy to be the bearer of such news, but scientists from around the world have recently informed me that they have done the calculations, and an object of tremendous size is on a collision course with our home. I am convinced that we will witness a near miss, and for those who have dug observational tunnels to the surface of our comet (and please note that if you have done so without a permit, you are in breach of Public Law 1342), you may observe a celestial body at a distance very near to our surface.

There have been some rumors spreading that the object currently rushing toward us is made by some sort of alien race, perhaps residents of one of the giant planets of this solar system. While I am not so small-minded as to absolutely exclude the existence of intelligent life outside of our comet, this idea that beings like ourselves created this thing is clearly claptrap, for several reasons.

First, why would they create a craft so huge? Unless they themselves are gigantic, which seems highly improbable. If there is intelligent life elsewhere in this universe, I suspect they do not look too different than we ourselves look.

But second, and far more important, we can expect that if such a race exists, and is technologically so advanced as to build a city-sized craft capable of cruising through space, they probably also are able to steer the thing, and choose a course that is not so dangerously close. At the very least, they would signal to us from afar, rather than approaching at such a tremendous pace.

I do not wish to give false hope. The models available at this time clearly indicate a collision of devastating proportions. If a breach of our world does occur. Please behave as if you are just boring minerals. If these aliens are bent on attacking us, our best bet is to look boring.

In open cahoots, your fearless leader,

Zoloft

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